An oldie but a goodie about rock critic jargon

Like Clichés on Acid
A lush soundscape of Rock Critic Jargon I will never use again.
By Rob Harvilla


January 5, 2005

Let us now discuss the labyrinthine, in-your-face, introspective,
esoteric, head-bobbing, fist-pumping, booty-shaking, genre-defying
mélange of the Rock Critic Cliché milieu. (Riffage. Let us also
discuss riffage.)
Next time you spot one of these doofuses at a party (riffling through
the host's CD collection, pilfering all the Cheetos, sulking
despondently in a darkened corner), ask him/her/me to describe a band,
a song, a genre. Verbally. In actual, human, face-to-face
conversation. Then prepare for an onslaught of meaningless nonsense.
Like any other, this profession suffers from its own unique lexicon of
ridiculous, impenetrable jargon. I am certainly not immune to this
disease, nor can I suggest a foolproof cure. But perhaps I can
diagnose specific viruses and prescribe medicine to -- lousy
metaphors. (Gotta knock it off with the lousy metaphors, too.)
As we behold 2005's shimmering, hypnotic, melodic dawn, I pledge to
you: Every bolded word in this column, I will never use again after
this week.
Angular
Frequently describes guitars that sound, well, pointy. Sharp,
unpleasant, of or like Fugazi. As opposed to "circular," which is a
whole other can of corn.


Can of Corn
Sorry.
Coruscating
Really, really angular.
Listenable
"I didn't like it."
Unlistenable
"I didn't listen to it."
Seminal
"I sold it back for $5 without listening to it, but then everyone else
wrote about it, so I had to buy it back for $12 and pretend I liked
it."
Rewards repeated listens
"Though I haven't yet listened to it, I assume it will be seminal."
Minimalist
Describes any song that does not employ a full string orchestra. "Hall
& Oates' 'I Can't Go for That (No Can Do)' is a seminal, coruscating
slab of minimalist pop."
Slab
Indeed.
Danceable
"I couldn't dance competently if my pants were on fire."
Four on the Floor
Intended to mean "Inspires raucous dancing." Actually means "Induces vomiting."
Nervous Funk
Attempted dance music that inadvertently induces vomiting.
Beatlesque
(Fires rocket launcher at head.)
Radio-Ready
"This is the only song I remember."
Anthemic
Really, really radio-ready.
Jangly
Fate intertwined with R.E.M. Adios.
Drops, e.g. "Tone Loc's new album drops Jan. 25"
Knock it off; you're white.
Spits, as opposed to "raps" or "speaks"
White white white.
Wheels of steel, as opposed to "turntables"
White white white white white.
Lush
Boring.
Soundscapes
Pretentious.
Swirling
Conjures lush soundscapes of boring pretentiousness.
Cerebral
Yes, sir: Brian Eno is smarter than you.
Cinematic
What -- like Meatballs?
Eclectic
"From polka to bluegrass to baile funk to death metal! It's a floor
wax and a dessert topping!"
Jazzy
Sounds nothing whatsoever like jazz.
Crunk
White white white white white white white white.
_____-esque/ish
"Dude, I gotta finish this: Aqua Teen Hunger Force starts in twenty minutes."
Like _____ on acid
"Dude, that giant bag of fries totally just said 'Crunk.'"
_____ Meets _____ with a Tinge of ____
"Dude, this show is like Bugs Bunny on acid."
Wanton Hyphen Overuse
An ordinarily calm writer friend of mine flies into a rage whenever
this technique is employed. Specifically, he refers to it as
"I-can't-think-of
-what-to-write-so-it's-time-to-just-say-'fuck-it'-and-
hyphenate-the-shit -out-of-a-whole-mess-of-words-
that-might-come-close- to-an-accurate -description-
of-something-that-I -might-be-able-to-work-out-myself-if-I-
read-real-books-instead-of-Spin-while-I- go-poo-poo." He'll be fine,
honest.
Wanton
Not yet. I still really like wanton.
_______ Yet ________
Increasingly common. Angry Hyphen Guy particularly chafes at the
"Retro Yet Futuristic" tag: "What -- like Barbarella?"
Wanton Capitalization Overuse
Such as, oh, say, Angry Hyphen Guy. I'm still enamored of this one,
too. Let's save it for '06.


METAFILTER THREAD:

"New Dylan," "next Bob Dylan," "this generation's Bob Dylan" and any
variations thereof. Beyond being hackneyed, it's often the kiss of
death to any artist it's misapplied to.


long-awaited second album


I've seen the phrase 'angular guitars' used literally dozens of times
to describe any band that sounds anything remotely like Polvo.


"Strokes-esque"
"Eponymous second album"
"...brings to mind Phil Spector's legendary 'Wall of Sound' technique..."
"...prowled the stage like a caged animal."
"muscular riffs"
"...evades [or succumbs to] the dreaded 'sophomore slump'..."
"Jagger in his youthful, pouting prime"
"...the peaceful tenor of the late sixties officially disappated as
Meredith Hunter was stabbed to death by the Angels..."



-- "... sounds like Band X and Band Y in a blender."

-- "... sounds like Band X on acid [or speed, or oxycontin, whatever]."

-- "... sounds like Band X in a time warp to [whenever]"

-- "... sounds like Band X with a chainsaw"

not similes, but also nerve-grating:

-- "lush soundscape"

-- "latest outing" or "latest effort" in referring to a new album

-- mentioning how your cat reacted to hearing it for the first time

-- "songsmith"




Oh, also: comparing any group with women musicians (especially
sisters) to the Shaggs. That's right; we're all enthusiastic
14-year-olds who haven't mastered barre chords yet!


"the newest british invasion"

"retro-(anything)" or "(anything)revival"




haunting melodies...obtuse guitars...-core...


Band A's awesome new release, "..." combines the postrock postpunk
industrial stylings of obscure Band B you never heard of with the emo
stylings of obscure Band C, producing a sound like Jackson Browne
going down on Joey Ramone. In one of the most anticipated albums of
the year, Band A's mysterious front man, Surly Haircut, takes his art
to a new level, rawly exploring his relationship with his mother and
crack in howling, tortured lyrics like "perfectly obvious
metaphor/something something semaphore." When I was a kid, I wanted to
be Lester Bangs. Did I mention that yet? Also, I got high with the
band. I hate them, and myself.


"(inset band name here) have (finally) grown up"
anything about saving rock and roll
"best band since..."
"this could be the best album of the year!!!"

or my favorite
"I don't want to lower myself to lame cliches, but (insert lame cliche)"


Also
"balls out rock"

"In the end, (insert album x) suffers largely from the hype---there's
no way this album could be as good as it was supposed to be."

" (band x) is challenging expectations and listeners by stretching
their musical boundaries and defying people to come along for the ride
through close listening."

"(album X) is an essential listen for anyone interested in where music
might take them."

"A record filled with such emotional scope and range that it's
tailor-made to showcase (band x's) world weary roar."

" (Album X) is nothing short of remarkable."

"(band x) trumps any pretension with melody and sheer fervor."

"(album x) is a tour de force"

"(band x's) jaw-dropping debut..."




"This is finally the album/act that will bring techno into the mainstream!"




Kind of a post-cliche - the NME once said Idlewild were the sound of
'a flight of stairs falling down a flight of stairs'


'sonic cathedrals....' - every bloody time!

and : '-esque' - grrrrrr


It's a guitar. Not a bloody axe.


Is it too soon to try to step on "screamo?"


I feel a need to reach for my gun every time I read either "seminal"
or "high-octane." Or anything with "-core" suffixed to it.

Also: that phase in the mid-90s when rock writers thought it was
clever to try to string together seemingly disparate music descriptors
like "slamgrass," "thrashgrass,"... other examples are elusive at the
moment, but oh god that shit makes me wretch.



I once read a review of Daft Punk's Discovery that described the song
"Digital Love" "like the incidental love theme music from Magnum
P.I.".

I think that's possibly the only time I've ever heard any reference to
the music on Magnum P.I.



I did not write any of the above, nor do Inecessarly agree to uphold it's standards
, but I was just writing a list of these sort of phrases and ideas when an editor sent me this hilarious story. I had to share it. "Krautrock" really chaps my hide too - by the way.