Stop With the Remakes Already / Is Tarantino a Douche bag?

What's next? A remake of Phantom of the Paradise? Skatetown U.S.A.? Bad Ronald? Or worse - The Death of Richie, and Over the Edge? I've been up all night and am possibly about to ramble incoherently. So, A brief semi rant and then back to your regularly scheduled bowel movement.

I know Hollywood wants to make money. I know some people aren't the sort to investigate older films. I even recognize that some people haven't seen cult classics. So, it's inevitable that remakes will be made. Let's not get into comedies, because there are too many and it's maddening. So I won't comment. Except to say that if anyone touches Young Frankenstein, I will personally organize a candlelight vigil wherein all present join together to wish genital warts upon all involved. I've only cared enough about this remake phenomenon to comment to friends a few times.

The first time was the Psycho "tribute" by Gus Van Sant. I didn't see the point before I saw it, and I didn't see the point after I saw it. The second time was the Halloween redux by Rob Zombie. The original Halloween was, in my opinion, a ten. So really, why mess with that? Unless in some Spinal Tap way - one is trying to achieve eleven. I admit, I haven't seen it. So maybe I'm like "those people" who picket things they haven't seen or read. Except that I didn't picket, because a.) I'm just not that passionate about what ultimately amounts to entertainment, and b.) I have nothing against Rob Zombie. Maybe he did a fine job. And even though The original Texas Chainsaw Massacre was gritty perfection, and though I understand why it was done, I argue that it was not an improvement. I can also admit that some might not find the original Carnival of Souls as charming as I. Make-up and special effects could potentially improve a Sci-fi or horror film. I loved the first remake of Invasion of the Body Snatchers. But did we need more than one? No.(And though I just acquiesced the case of science fiction - the upcoming remake of Logan's Run is already disappointing to me.

When Haneke remade his own movie Funny Games, I just shook my head and thought "the only reason he is doing this is because Americans love violence and are too lazy to read subtitles." The first version was what it was - like it or not. Call it an experiment in cinema, call it a commentary on modern film audiences, or call it pretentious bullshit. But it wasn't going to be improved. Unless you count the eye candy that is Michael Pitt. And I made myself watch the entire remake simply to prove myself right.

A successful remake is possible. I enjoyed The Ring - even though Ringu was far superior. Again - lazy Americans. And Cape Fear, I mean, come on, DeNiro. Who didn't love style="font-style:italic;">Cape Fear? But damn it - and here is my point - leave Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill! alone. Have we learned nothing from Tim Burton's Planet of the Apes? I don't care that you're Quentin Tarantino. Russ Meyer wrote the love letter to big boobed, bitchy, violent, dominant women. He directed it. And the tits are amazing. I bow down to Tura Satana, (and if you're smart, you will too). No one could ever portray Varla better than Ms. Satana.

Why oh why is Tarantino doing a remake? I know the man loves and respects cinema and could knock me out of a film trivia contest in no more than two rounds, (maybe one), but this, to kitsch fans, is tantamount to remaking Casablanca or Citizen Cane, except with cleavage. Couldn't he just reissue it? Like he did with Switchblade Sisters? No, I guess that wasn't profitable enough. So, okay Quentin, do what you do best. Maybe you'll even improve upon the music. But I hope you know a lot of people who are fans of your work, as well as devotees of this cult classic, are watching. And if you fuck it up, you will remake the meaning of the word douche bag.